Zen & BT Yoga

Even for the seasoned professional remodeling can be stressful. There's the noise and the dirt and the sawdust and the disruptions. There are the little glitches, the big glitches and the "OH SHIT" glitches. Breaking of the rare granite slab the day before install rates in the O.S. category.

Maintaining a Zen-like attitude it essential. Deep breathing works as long as you're not in close proximity to the sawdust. Meditation is good but darn near impossible when the saws and nail guns are operating. Then there's BT yoga.

Don't look it up because it's a brand new kind of yoga although some of the moves may be familiar. For this method you'll need a moistened Mr. Clean magic eraser, a towel, a kneeling pad, wet paper towel, painters caulk and 200 linear feet of installed basetrim(baseboards).

To begin assemble all items next to one end of the installed basetrim taking into account you must move along clockwise. Moving anti-clockwise will result in bad karma which equates to more glitches. To warm up kneel down on the pad and into "child's pose". Stretch out the right hand, grasp the magic eraser, then stretch out the left hand and grap the towel. Rotate toward the basetrim and begin "scrub/rub/wipe" movement for all 200 linear feet. Remember to stay present in the moment. No daydreaming.

After completing the warm-up you are ready for the more complicated movements. Kneeling on the pad parallel to the basetrim, grasp the wet towel in the left hand and the caulking gun in the right hand. Become one with the caulking gun. This is a very important step. In it's previous life the little bugger, oh excuse me, this inantimate object was an extruder operated by mouse on speed. Go into the "twist/point/shoot" movement. That's "SHOOT" not "SHOUT" although at times you will be tempted to do the latter. Along the way it will be necessary to change to the "nose to corner" and "upside down twisted dead bug" poses. The UDTDB pose is the most advanced pose and it's required for those reaching the advanced status of Caulking Under the Floating Vanity (more commonly known as why didn't this get down before the vanity was installed).

This entire routine will take approximately 6 hours if done properly and will result in stiff shoulders and lower back along with the sorest butt you can imagine (even if you do glut exercises at the gym). For more detailed instructions look for my BT Yoga video due out after the I regain my sanity, write the cookbook and can walk again.